I’m sat writing this on Hvar Island, perched on a rugged rock face looking out towards the Adriatic Sea. I just devoured the cheesiest, most glorious lasagne I’ve probably had in my life. The restaurant served us complementary dessert because we’re on our honeymoon. I didn’t think twice before digging in. Two days ago, I married my best friend. The wedding was everything I dreamt of and more. I feel happy, content, still, satiated.
Life looks and feels very different these days. It’s hard to imagine that just over two years ago, I was stuck in a specialist eating disorder unit (SEDU), looking out of mesh windows towards the hospital grounds.
I wish I could tell you how I got to where I am now. That there was a ‘lightbulb’ or ‘lollipop’ moment that was a catalyst to my recovery. But just like anorexia took time to take its grip on my life, recovery took time too. For those navigating this journey, I hope you can give yourself patience and grace.
It was a lengthy 5 1/2 month admission, where everyday felt like Groundhog Day. Glorified TikTok videos don’t show you just how dull it is. I didn’t want to get better and I didn’t think I was capable of getting better. I wanted everyone to give up on me so that I had permission to give up on me too. But they didn’t. And at the time, that really frustrated me. But, gosh, I’m thankful they didn’t. With time, nutrition and love. Lots of it. Life started to get a bit of colour back. I started to laugh a bit more. I would notice more when I went outside - the breeze, the sun, the birds, the softness of the grass. I discovered a love for painting and writing. Very gradually, life didn’t feel as hard, and I started to imagine that maybe continuing to exist wouldn’t feel so hard either. I began planning things to look forward to, be it the next day or next month.
But while the SEDU started to feel comfortable and safe, I knew deep down that the life I had to rebuild was not within the confines of the locked SEDU doors. Thankfully, I had an incredibly supportive workplace and manager that honoured the time I needed to focus on my health. If there are any managers reading this, please take notes. Having the financial security and a sense of purpose to return to was invaluable in my recovery journey.
I could speak at length about my experiences - the good, the bad, the ugly. But if this reflection leaves you with anything, please let it be hope. Always hope.